Button's Word of the Day 2/3/2015

I answer this question many times everyday... here is a small sample

Button: Mommy, what if I stick a pencil in my ear
Me: DON'T stick anything in your ear! YOu could pop your eardrum, really hurt yourself and even go deaf
Button: What about a toy
Me: No Button
Button: What about a piece of paper?
Me: No Button, nothing, don't put anything in your ear
Button: Mommy, what if I put a fork in my ear?
Me: NO Button, you will get hurt really bad and go deaf...
Me: Princess (my middle daughter) come set the table for dinner
Princess: ..... (silence)
Me: PRINCESS Come set the table for dinner
Princess: ...... (silence)
Me: PRINCESS COME SET THE TABLE!!! 
Me grumbling ...: I swear that child doesn't listen
Button: Maybe she stuck something in her ear
Me.........

I am a Horrible Mother, He called to me anyway

I didn't want another baby.  I don't want another mouth to feed, another 18 years to raise, another toddler, another potty trainer.  I don't want any more late nights, sleepless nights. I don't want another baby.. I told myself that.. over and over.. and I cried.. for hours at a time. HOURS .. I don't want it.  It will mess up my life, it will mess up my future, it will mess  up my children's future.  I don't want another baby.. and so I threw up from crying, broke down and crumbled on the floor, and cried and screamed at God for letting this happen, and knew.. just knew that this was a curse, not a blessing.. I didn't want another baby.  Knowing that I would not hesitate to die for my 3 daughters, knowing that almost all things I think and feel and do in life are motivated by the beauty and innocence and love of children.. it was a new feeling for me.  The concept, the thought of NOT wanting a child.. my child,, made no sense to me... I realized then, I was a Horrible Mother... I didn't want another baby.. at least that is what I kept saying for months.. starting with the positive pregnancy test on August 2nd 2012.  You are going to think I am a bad mother too, and a bad person, you may even be disgusted and hate me.. I did.. but things have a way of working themselves out... but keep in mind.. on August 2nd 2012, I didn't want another baby.

Then, I found out I was having a baby boy, and I cried some more.. I was FURIOUS when others told me about how "special" of a bond there was between a mother and  her son. Pish Posh, BS, I couldn't imagine.  I just felt sorry for everyone that didn't have a special and perfect relationship with their girls!  Now, I was going to have a snotty, dirty, wild, loud grubby little boy in my quiet, subdued  and organized home. I was going to have to figure out how to keep him out of trouble, stop him from hitting and not fart in public!! 

With my daughters, my pregnancies were a breeze, with my youngest daughter, my labor was brilliant!! I can honestly say I loved my labor and delivery with Button! WOW!  It was not the case with this last pregnancy. I was miserable, I was sick, I was tired, I was annoyed, I was itchy, I was fat, uncomfortable and volatile. Honestly, I don't remember much of my last pregnancy.  All I DO remember was that I was pissed off that I was having another baby.  Every day, I would WAIT to feeeeeellllll something.. mostly it was .. nothing.  I was just mad, cause I didn't want another baby.  There were.. other things happening in my life with my other children that I am still not sure I will share publicly, that it was a difficult time, and would have been so even if I was not pregnant... being pregnant just made things worse...

Hate me yet?  Yep, I was a selfish witch.  And I didn't care.  I was master of my life, I WORKED hard to create the "world" I lived in.. my life, who I was .. it was FINALLY beginning, I would get to be ME and not just mom.. I was up for a promotion (I did get it) we were thinking of traveling.. things were changing and the last thing I wanted was leaky breasts and fat hips getting in the way of FINALLY being able to wear a bikini and running a few miles without wanting to pass out from O2 deprivation.  Here I was... 17 years after my first baby.. starting ALL OVER again!!  What about Button? She was supposed to go to private school , because we could actually afford to get her out of failing public schools (We homeschool now, but homeschooling is not an easy decision and sometimes is impossible and that jump can be really scary.)  What about Princess and Noodle, one needed college tuition paid, the other would too in a few years.  AND WHAT about my car??? Seriously! I didn't want another car payment.. and we were growing out of the Volkwagons.. we would have to take an extra car everywhere we went.. ALL the time.. UGH!!!! 

I would have conversations with myself in the car on the way to work "H, you adore this baby.. you know you will love this baby.. you know you will..."  But.. I don't know.. even though I knew it.. it just didn't seem to feel right. HOW could I love another baby? How could I start all over? How could I?

On April 2nd 2013, I went into labor, I headed to the hospital on the 3rd... My labor was brutal, my contractions were killer.. all I wanted was for IT to come out. Let another 18 years or more of responsibility begin .. sigh.. It was a hard labor, a long labor and a tiring one...   Delivery was pretty bad, my placenta came out like a puzzle piece.. and I hemorrhaged.. So badly that when Lumos was born, the blood was all over the wall behind the doctor and even on the ceiling. They started pumping me full of stuff to keep my heart going.. and for the first time.. everything was OK… and warm… and right. People were running around and yelling.  Needles and wires were flying, but I was not afraid., as a matter a fact, everything was quite peaceful.  I think part of my knew I was dying.. and that was ok with me.  (* note.. I am not just being morbid and exaggerating here... When telling this story to two of my ER friends, they responded.. "Heather, I am so glad we were not there.. they were trying to keep your  heart going, that is some heavy stuff, you were dying! ) Weird huh?  And I remember the nurse said to me “H, you cannot leave, you have to help us, you have to hold your son.”  But I didn’t care.. because everything felt right at that moment.  It was all ok.. and it was so dark and silent, and warm,  and good. I remember looking over at my husband who was looking at our son, and glancing at the doctor who was talking to all the nurses, and I remember them pumping me full of stuff in my IV and injections.  And I was cool with that, and everything went real dark, not the scary dark, just the quiet dark…  and it was good…. And then… I heard my son scream…. MY SON. In the darkness he cried out to his mother, to me! I could not leave him to face this world alone.  Immediately everything became bright, it was like someone shoved a bright light in my face and everything became light and clear.. and I HEARD my heart beating on the machine and my son crying my Son.. My light.. My light in the darkness. Even if I was a horrible mother, he called to me in the darkness.  He had to love enough for both of us… he will never have to carry that burden again. He is my light,  My Lumos. Life and God have a way of making you wake up...

I can honestly say, I have never felt the kind of love I feel for my son.  He is so amazing.. so beautiful, so perfect.  My heart aches when I am not with him.  He loves his mama passionately.  Do I love him the same and as much as my girls, you are damn skippy I do… Is it different, yeh, kinda, but it is hard explain.

But this is what I do know, that being a  mom and change is pretty tough. There are a lot of mothers and fathers out there that might judge us for feeling this way, and honestly, I am cool with that.  I think part of my problem is that I never really sought help during my pregnancy for my feelings, and that is a dangerous thing to do.  We are expected to be strong and to “suck it up” cause woman have babies and stress all the time!!  Pish Posh BS, I am super friggin woman, but I know I have even seen super heros cry. 

In that vein, I would like to hug any mamas out that feel overwhelmed, that feel tired, that don’t get this whole  “Love Multiples and never Divides thing.” Including those that used to, but life has set them for a round… Hold you babies, Love your babies, kiss your babies, and seek help if you feel depressed, anxious and overwhelmed.

But hey, that’s just my glitter glue

(***NOTE!!!***  Vaccinate your babies.. that is not just my glitter glue, that is common sense.. and science)

Not Just MY GlitterGlue

I am just going to leave this right here

Body Count

And that is not just MY Glitter glue

Crafty crafts from an Uncrafty mom!

I hate Pintrest, honestly, I don't get it. I mean, I think there are some cool CRAFTY things, but you are reading a blog of an uncrafty person!  Have you ever looked at those "nailed it" pictures?  I feel like someone has been taking pictures of the disasters I have created in my home and posted it all over the internet!!

However, I do have a Button, she needs to create, so I try to pick easy crafty things and pray that she does not start comparing my work to other amazing mamas that can do that stuff.   This year, we will be traveling around Halloween. Halloween is one of my favorite "holidays".  This post is not going to be my glitter glue on Halloween (that will be later) but instead, I wanted to show you a fun little project that we actually succeeded in doing!!

Jack-o-lanterns are AWESOME and a PAIN!!  I am never good at taking them down when they have started to rot, and that makes quite the mess on our porch.. So this year we are making Fairy House Jack-o-lanterns.. with a twist of "fake". Button is ALL INTO fairies right now, and this was good for me, because it made an easy and fun crafty project that would make mom look REALLY cool :)!!

We purchased fake Pumpkins from Michaels (50% off woo hoo)
A bundle of grapevines (4.99 with a 50% coupon for a regular price item)
Glitter (my love hate thing) (.99 each .. we bought two.. that is all I could handle.. glitter.. shudder)
And pretty little beads (.99!!)
Fake tea lights (2.99 for a set of 6)

You are also going to need a glue gun and a little saw/knife to make the holes in the Pumpkins

Each pumpkin needs a hole in the front (for a door) and two side windows

Voila!!  So far so good!!
Here is another pictures of all the materials

We did this project on a table cloth so that we could catch all the glitter.. This has a two fold bonus. One, it saves me from having glitter everywhere (in theory, not reality) and whatever glitter it catches, we shake off outside and tell Button that is so that the Fairies will have a trail to follow to the fairy houses... Don't judge.

Next we put hot glue all over the tops (Bonus is that even if it is kinda stringy.. I can say that it mimics spiderwebs that apparently OUR fairies love .. at least the ones I tell her live around here)  Next Button sprinkled the glitter on the tops.. (HOW does seem to get everywhere!! I had some in my breakfast this morning!!!)

Next we broke the grapevine in order to make a ladder and glued the "rungs" to the ladder with hot glue.  Button then embellished them with jewels (cause everyone knows that nothing makes you want to climb a ladder like knowing that there is a little bling involved).

Then make the window Pains.. No I didn't spell that wrong, it is a PAIN.. after making two, I got lazy and threw something on the windows.. (maybe that is why my crafts don't look right.. anyway).. Button then embellished them with jewels.. that made them look much better...

Prop up the ladder and YAY Fairy houses!!

We then put a battery powered tea light and each one.. fire in fake pumpkins.. is a BIG no no.. (where I then made a vain attempt to catch the coolness of how it looked.. )

Looks inviting!! Who wouldn't want to live there!! I mean.. if they were a fairy!

  We put the pumpkins on the mantle for the fairies (to look neat.. well.. yes and no.. but we actually put them there cause that is the easiest way for me to decorate and so that her baby brother doesn't get into them and cause her to throw a horrible hissy hit where she screams like a injured banshee and her brother starts pretending like he is training for the UFC.. yes it happens).

All in all it was pretty cool.. and fairly easy.. although there is glitter in the corner of my eyes and I swear I ingested more than the suggested amount.

So, I guess it is a win! Button is happy, and I got away with looking like I knew what I was doing.. at least this time around.

But hey, that is just my glitter glue.

9/11 - My Glitter Glue

I have been sitting here trying to think about how I would write this post for today...

As you and I get to know each other, you may find that I am a bit rough around the edges, and not really overly sentimental, so a lot of this "feeling" and "gushy" stuff is not on my "to do list of fun things to try today". But I will begin with a obligatory disclaimer:

I was born and raised in the United States.  I love my country, I am proud to be a citizen of this great nation.  Oh yes, we are confused, oh yes, we bicker among ourselves, our guns control, health insurance, big business and our politics can be infuriating but I still love it.  Oh yes, I have been to other places ;),  (thanks for asking). Oh.. I also love that I can live in a country where I cannot get fired for my opinion on 9/11 (well not in my job anyway).. ---inserting that last comment cause my non american husband actually had the fear that I would say something that would get me fired.. sigh.

I could have written something sappy about where I was, and how I felt and the fear I felt on 9/11. I could write about how I watched my country stand up together, fly flags, give blood, offer to help, and attend vigils. I could talk about how frustrating it is when I hear about teens that don't know anything about 9/11 (I wonder if my grandfather felt that way about us when the date of Pearl Harbor's attack came around each year.) I could talk about how I want to punch someone in the face when they say it never happened or that the government planned it ... (this is my official statement to those that think that.. YOU. ARE. FULL. OF. CRAP!).

So instead, since the 13 year have passed, I will talk about how I feel today and what my observations are (yes I know that yours could quite possibly be different).

My husband is Canadian and he and I have talked about this event many times over the years (including today) and it is interesting to hear his perspective on Americans and 9/11.  So based on some of those things, I would like to break down the "American."

#1.  We are Americans.. simply put.. that is what we identify with.. after 9/11 you could find us standing shoulder to shoulder ready to beat down the world, now... many stand shoulder to shoulder at the border, and many other stand in opposition so little children will not cross illegally.

#2.  We love NY. Well, in theory, but not really. New York scares the bejesus out of me.  When I drive through the city my knuckles are white and the fear of getting lost makes me hold me breath till I exit on the other side. Many Americans have never been to New York, but we have watched the ball drop on TV with Dick Clark (God rest his soul).  But, I'll be damned if anyone says anything bad about NY, cause you will find millions of Americans sporting an I<3 NY t-shirt within the hour!!! Cause.. we love our country.

#3.  I would seriously doubt that 9/11 could take place again this country.  Every time I get on a plane you can FEEL the passengers marking their area with glances and corner eye shifts.  Oh yeh, we may be all Americans on that plane, but try anything and we are ALL taking your A$$ DOWN!...

#4. We really are a polite bunch of people.  Oh, some of know which fork to use and others have yet to figure out the whole glass dish thing, but hey, we are a pretty nice bunch of people.  Did I mention that I have been in other countries?  Have I mentioned that although some places think that we are rude, that many of the things said about our country and the "lumping of us" together as an uneducated, uncivilized people and barbaric people... well.... I leave that to people that really don't know anything about the people in our country, and get their information from Fox or CNN news.  However, we are the first people the will come to when they know they need muscle and a big stick.

#5.  We are pretty patriotic.  Cause you know, we love our country...  We are proud, we know we are influential, we know we are strong and unless you live in a bubble , you as an American, even know we are not perfect.  If you think you are.. well.. we love you anyway, but would strongly recommend traveling a little.

#6. We don't like being afraid. Everything we do as Americans is to DECREASE our fear.  We see fear as weakness. From fighting for our healthcare preference, our gun control, our pot, our sexuality, our religion, our education even the job that we go to everyday, is about security. It is about reducing our fear, and when we are afraid.. well, did I mention that Americans don't like being afraid.. We were scared on 9/11 and heartbroken... and that made us a little mad... ;)

#7. Never underestimate us.  we may argue, we may say stupid things (have you read the Facebook posts lately.. smh) and we sometimes don't paint a pretty good picture of American life and what being an  "American" really means.  We have a lot of growing up to do. A lot, and sometimes, our fellow Americans decide that they have had enough and leave the country.. and you know what, that's cool too.  We have police corruptions, we have illegal activities, we have problems with guns, animal overpopulation, education issues, vaccination and childhood diseases reemerging, (*yes I am pro vaccination... be responsible get your child vaccinated) abortion debates and STAND BACK everyone when there is an election cause American politicians can LIE really well.  But we don't forget.. ever.. 

We remember, and today many of us remember,  And ALL of us have a I <3 NY shirt and a big A$$ stick tucked away in a closet...

But hey, that's just my glitter glue.

Button's Word for the Day 9/8/2014

Button (my 6 year old) and I have interesting conversations from time to time.  Therefore, every once in awhile I will share one of them.  This was yesterdays REAL LIFE conversation:

Button has a lot of questions about death and what happens after we die. Like all kids (and a lot of adults), she is a little afraid of it. I have talked to her and keep repeating the same thing when she asks that Heaven is going to perfect, and whatever makes her happy will be better. 

Button: Mommy, in Heaven will there be waterslides
Me: bigger and better than you can ever imagine
Button: Mommy, in Heaven will there be flowers?
Me: Would that make you happy?
Button: Yes!
Me: Then there will be more flowers that you could ever imagine, or ever smell!!
Button: Mommy, in heaven,will I be able to sit on clouds?
Me: Would that make you happy?
Button: Yes!!
Me: Then you will have so many clouds that you will never run out of new clouds to sit and jump and play on!!
Button: Mommy, in heaven will there be cancer?
Me: No baby, no sickness, no sadness, no reason to cry, no one will ever be hungry.
Button: SO YOU MEAN HEAVEN SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE!!!
Me: Absolutely!!

--- That's my Glitter Glue

I Hope you Starve: A Letter to my teenager

I have a teenager who is sophomore in high school.  She loves art, and I love watching her create art.  She can pick up a pencil or a paintbrush and whatever she is working on comes alive.  Now, not everyone can feel art, and not everyone likes the same type of art, but everyone can appreciate that there are some that just.. know art.  My girl is one of them. She can look at a ball of clay and see a sculpture, she can glance at a wall and see a skyline, she see colors when there is only a white paper and when she touches her hand to these things, they "become".  She wants to be an artist.  Why?  Because it makes her happy, because it makes her feel alive. Recently, an adult (we all know that teenagers actually DO take the words of adults to heart) said to her "Be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, but not an artist, that is not a real life goal. Haven't you heard of the 'starving artist?'" This is my letter and response to that....

To my dearest daughter,

As your mother, I can sincerely say, that I hope you aim to live your life so that you may starve.  There have been times in my life when I was starving, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.  Those were some really hard times, and many times there was fear, and loneliness and dark times.  Though you were little, you may even remember some of those times.  But, there were moments , that I can say were some of the best times of my life, when life was simple, and made sense... when there was just happiness, pure happiness, and the hunger and starvation of life, made me want more... and that was beautiful.

I have also known times in my life when my belly was full.  My bank account was full, my life was busy, and I was not starving or hungry.  Oh, those times are really great, things are comfortable and there is happiness... but those are times of laziness too.. there is a feeling of dead ends, of chaos and misery as well.  It is easy to say "There is something to be said for being comfortable."  The only thing I can say is that comfort eventually settles in your butt and sits there, just as you will if you are too full.

If you pick up a gavel, but want a paintbrush, if you look at a chart, but wish it were a canvas, if you see another patient, but wish it were an emergence of creation from clay.. then will you be happy?  If you bank account is full, will you be happy if you go to work everyday miserable?  If your stomach is full, but you work and go through the motions just to make a dollar so that you might return to the same mundane life day after day after day.. are you happy?

You see, there are very few things in life that we actually have control over.  Even the Declaration of Independence says that we may "pursue" happiness, but it is not a guarantee of it.  The only person that has control over that is you.  If art makes you happy baby, create!!! If you want to pursue a college degree in art... I got your back babe. If you think that your life would be not as good without art, if you see a future without creation as one that is not as exciting and rich as you would like it to be without a pencil and canvas, that by God girl, do what makes you happy... We only get one chance baby.. just one...

So princess, I hope you starve and are happy and rarely find yourself in the sadness of being full and miserable.

Love Mom

Alan Watts says it spot on...

But hey, that is just my Glitter Glue :)