I didn't want another baby.
I don't want another mouth to feed, another 18 years to raise, another
toddler, another potty trainer. I don't
want any more late nights, sleepless nights. I don't want another baby.. I told
myself that.. over and over.. and I cried.. for hours at a time. HOURS .. I
don't want it. It will mess up my life,
it will mess up my future, it will mess
up my children's future. I don't
want another baby.. and so I threw up from crying, broke down and crumbled on
the floor, and cried and screamed at God for letting this happen, and knew..
just knew that this was a curse, not a blessing.. I didn't want another
baby. Knowing that I would not hesitate
to die for my 3 daughters, knowing that almost all things I think and feel and
do in life are motivated by the beauty and innocence and love of children.. it
was a new feeling for me. The concept,
the thought of NOT wanting a child.. my child,, made no sense to me... I
realized then, I was a Horrible Mother... I didn't want another baby.. at least
that is what I kept saying for months.. starting with the positive pregnancy
test on August 2nd 2012. You are going
to think I am a bad mother too, and a bad person, you may even be disgusted and
hate me.. I did.. but things have a way of working themselves out... but keep
in mind.. on August 2nd 2012, I didn't want another baby.
Then, I found out I was having a baby boy, and I cried some
more.. I was FURIOUS when others told me about how "special" of a
bond there was between a mother and her
son. Pish Posh, BS, I couldn't imagine.
I just felt sorry for everyone that didn't have a special and perfect
relationship with their girls! Now, I
was going to have a snotty, dirty, wild, loud grubby little boy in my quiet,
subdued and organized home. I was going
to have to figure out how to keep him out of trouble, stop him from hitting and
not fart in public!!
With my daughters, my pregnancies were a breeze, with my
youngest daughter, my labor was brilliant!! I can honestly say I loved my labor
and delivery with Button! WOW! It was
not the case with this last pregnancy. I was miserable, I was sick, I was
tired, I was annoyed, I was itchy, I was fat, uncomfortable and volatile.
Honestly, I don't remember much of my last pregnancy. All I DO remember was that I was pissed off
that I was having another baby. Every
day, I would WAIT to feeeeeellllll something.. mostly it was .. nothing. I was just mad, cause I didn't want another
baby. There were.. other things
happening in my life with my other children that I am still not sure I will share
publicly, that it was a difficult time, and would have been so even if I was
not pregnant... being pregnant just made things worse...
Hate me yet? Yep, I
was a selfish witch. And I didn't
care. I was master of my life, I WORKED
hard to create the "world" I lived in.. my life, who I was .. it was
FINALLY beginning, I would get to be ME and not just mom.. I was up for a
promotion (I did get it) we were thinking of traveling.. things were changing
and the last thing I wanted was leaky breasts and fat hips getting in the way
of FINALLY being able to wear a bikini and running a few miles without wanting
to pass out from O2 deprivation. Here I
was... 17 years after my first baby.. starting ALL OVER again!! What about Button? She was supposed to go to
private school , because we could actually afford to get her out of failing
public schools (We homeschool now, but homeschooling is not an easy decision
and sometimes is impossible and that jump can be really scary.) What about Princess and Noodle, one needed
college tuition paid, the other would too in a few years. AND WHAT about my car??? Seriously! I didn't
want another car payment.. and we were growing out of the Volkwagons.. we would
have to take an extra car everywhere we went.. ALL the time.. UGH!!!!
I would have conversations with myself in the car on the way
to work "H, you adore this baby.. you know you will love this baby.. you
know you will..." But.. I don't
know.. even though I knew it.. it just didn't seem to feel right. HOW could I
love another baby? How could I start all over? How could I?
On April 2nd 2013, I went into labor, I headed to the
hospital on the 3rd... My labor was brutal, my contractions were killer.. all I
wanted was for IT to come out. Let another 18 years or more of responsibility
begin .. sigh.. It was a hard labor, a long labor and a tiring one... Delivery was pretty bad, my placenta came
out like a puzzle piece.. and I hemorrhaged.. So badly that when Lumos was
born, the blood was all over the wall behind the doctor and even on the
ceiling. They started pumping me full of stuff to keep my heart going.. and for
the first time.. everything was OK… and warm… and right. People were running
around and yelling. Needles and wires
were flying, but I was not afraid., as a matter a fact, everything was quite
peaceful. I think part of my knew I was
dying.. and that was ok with me. (* note.. I am not just being morbid and exaggerating here... When telling this story to two of my ER friends, they responded.. "Heather, I am so glad we were not there.. they were trying to keep your heart going, that is some heavy stuff, you were dying! ) Weird huh? And I remember the nurse said to me “H, you
cannot leave, you have to help us, you have to hold your son.” But I didn’t care.. because everything felt
right at that moment. It was all ok..
and it was so dark and silent, and warm, and good. I remember looking over at my
husband who was looking at our son, and glancing at the doctor who was talking
to all the nurses, and I remember them pumping me full of stuff in my IV and
injections. And I was cool with that,
and everything went real dark, not the scary dark, just the quiet dark… and it was good…. And then… I heard my son
scream…. MY SON. In the darkness he cried out to his mother, to me! I could not
leave him to face this world alone.
Immediately everything became bright, it was like someone shoved a
bright light in my face and everything became light and clear.. and I HEARD my
heart beating on the machine and my son crying my Son.. My light.. My light in
the darkness. Even if I was a horrible mother, he called to me in the darkness.
He had to love enough for both of us… he
will never have to carry that burden again. He is my light, My Lumos. Life and God have a way of making you wake up...
I can honestly say, I have never felt the kind of love I
feel for my son. He is so amazing.. so beautiful,
so perfect. My heart aches when I am not
with him. He loves his mama
passionately. Do I love him the same and
as much as my girls, you are damn skippy I do… Is it different, yeh, kinda, but
it is hard explain.
But this is what I do know, that being a mom and change is pretty tough. There are a
lot of mothers and fathers out there that might judge us for feeling this way,
and honestly, I am cool with that. I
think part of my problem is that I never really sought help during my pregnancy
for my feelings, and that is a dangerous thing to do. We are expected to be strong and to “suck it
up” cause woman have babies and stress all the time!! Pish Posh BS, I am super friggin woman, but I
know I have even seen super heros cry.
In that vein, I would like to hug any mamas out that feel overwhelmed, that feel tired, that don’t get this whole “Love Multiples and never Divides thing.” Including those that used to, but life has set them for a round… Hold you babies, Love your babies, kiss your babies, and seek help if you feel depressed, anxious and overwhelmed.
In that vein, I would like to hug any mamas out that feel overwhelmed, that feel tired, that don’t get this whole “Love Multiples and never Divides thing.” Including those that used to, but life has set them for a round… Hold you babies, Love your babies, kiss your babies, and seek help if you feel depressed, anxious and overwhelmed.
But hey, that’s just my glitter glue
(***NOTE!!!***
Vaccinate your babies.. that is not just my glitter glue, that is common
sense.. and science)
